


Capslock Crackfics

by kageillusionz



Category: Penelope (2006), Shame (2011), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom, X-Men: First Class (2011) RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Azazel is a wonderful seamstress, Cat!Charles, Charles is a Tease, Charles is sick, Corgis, Crack, Erik is Crushing Harder than a 12-year Old Girl, Erik is a Big Dorkface, Erik takes care of him, Fluff, Genetically Modified Cereal, Ghost!Charles, Has Satan told you about his dental plan?, Humour, IKEA, Lawyer!Erik, M/M, Nipples, Phones are srs bsns., Pickup Lines, Pool Noodles, Rabbits, Recreational Drug Use, Road Trips, Roommates, Starbucks, Studying, Swimming Pools, iPhone vs Android
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-22
Updated: 2013-10-23
Packaged: 2017-12-30 04:00:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 5,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kageillusionz/pseuds/kageillusionz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That one time Kage opened up her askbox to fic prompts after 10 hours of EXTREME SEWING, being high on a lethal combination of cereal and milk, and then watched the sun rise.</p><p>10 hours later of writing, tumblring and cruising on a sewing high (who even HAS those), Kage's followers' dashes were thoroughly terrorized and this is the resulting archive of this dark and tragic time. Please don't kick me out of fandom. See notes at the beginning for a quick summary of all of the prompts I wrote.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. our-girl-friday: Cherik as Corgis

**Author's Note:**

> I'm leaving these unbeta'd for the sheer fact that these are best consumed FLAWLESS as they are. Please be warned that from here on out everything will be in capslock. There are still 5 prompts sitting unanswered, so buckle up.
> 
> 1\. For our-girl-friday: Cherik as Corgis.  
> 2\. For synekdokee: Erik at Charles's grave.  
> 3\. For ikeracity: Charles studying for 24 hours. Erik is his amused roommate.  
> 4\. For trobador: Don't order food online!  
> 5\. For itsaseamonster: Cherik hanging out and then start comparing nipples. Aka the Nipple Fic.  
> 6\. For thedameloves: Cherik and a Balloon  
> 7\. For treasuredleisure: Cherik AU of the best Rabbit Video on the Internet  
> 8\. For cakeis: Cherik in IKEA  
> 9\. For significantowl: Erik takes care of a coughing Charles  
> 10\. For fassbenderbender: Erik is 'zu sexy für mein Hemd'  
> 11\. For rozf: Brandon/Johnny, iPhone vs Android  
> 12\. For imasyon: Cherik, Corgi, Pool Noodles.
> 
>  

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> our-girl-friday asked: CHERIK CORGIS. DO IT KAGE. DO IT. [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64710026921/cherik-corgis-do-it-kage-do-it)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH, SUCH A FINE PROMPT. AS IF I COULD EVER RESIST WRITING CORGIS.

"I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS HUMAN CONCEPT, CORGLES," CORGNETO SAID, LOOKING DISDAINFULLY AT THE TUG TOY OUTSTRETCHED IN THEIR HUMAN’S HAND.  HE REGARDED EVERYTHING WITH A HEALTHY DOSE OF SKEPTICISM AND DOUBT. THE HUMANS MAY HAVE PUT A COLLAR AROUND HIS NECK — A COLLAR THAT, WITH THE HELP OF CORGLES, NOW SPORTED A VERY RAGGED BUT HANDSOME MAROON BLANKET THAT SERVED AS  **THE CORGNETO CAPE**  (TM) — BUT THEY WOULD NEVER TAME HIS SPIRIT.

"CORGLES, NO, WHY ARE YOU GOING OVER THERE. NO, IT’S DANGEROUS. TAKE MY CAPE."

CORGLES, ON THE OTHER PAW, ROLLED HIS BLUE EYES AT CORGNETO. HE WAS UNFORTUNATELY VERY USED TO CORGNETO’S SUSPICIOUS WAYS. “DO NOT WORRY, OLD FRIEND, I AM SURE RAVEN WOULDN’T INTRODUCE ANYTHING THAT WOULD INTENTIONALLY HURT US.”

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CORGLES. DO YOU NOT SEE, THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT." CORGNETO PUT HIS PAW DOWN, TO MAKE A POINT. HIS STALWART CORGI HEART WOULD NOT STAND FOR THIS MALFEASANCE FROM THE LIKES OF THE HUMANS. "WE WILL STAND DIVIDED OVER THIS. SHE WISHES TO DRIVE YOU AWAY FROM ME. LET US IGNORE HER, MY LOVE, MY WUNDERCORG AND THE MOST GORGEOUS OF STUMPIES TO HAVE EVER STUMPED.”

CORGLES SIGHED AND IGNORED CORGNETO, TROTTING OVER TO RAVEN AND NOSED AT THEIR NEW TOY. NO DOUBT HE’LL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT FROM CORGNETO FOR THE NEXT YEAR — CORGNETO HAD A WAY OF MAINTAINING THE LONGEST GRUDGES OVER THE SMALLEST OF THINGS — BUT HE FIGURED IT WOULD BE WORTH IT JUST TO SEE WHERE CORGNETO’S CREATIVITY AND PURPLE PROSE LEAD THEM.


	2. synekdokee: Erik at Charles's grave.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> synekdokee asked: Erik at Charles's grave. If you can give it a spooky twist, more the power to u. [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64711321996/erik-at-charless-grave-if-you-can-give-it-a-spooky)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU SPOOPYHEAD. I’M AFRAID I CAN’T DO SPOOKY AT ALL GIVEN THAT I AM RUNNING ON HAPPINESS.

"I REMEMBER THE DAY THAT WE OFFERED JEAN GREY A PLACE AT YOUR SCHOOL. TO THINK SHE WAS A YOUNG CHILD THAT HAD THE POWER TO MAKE YOU BURST INTO NOTHING." ERIK POURED A FINGER OF SCOTCH EACH INTO THE SHOT GLASSES (THIS TIME, THEY WERE FROM MELBOURNE, DESIGNED WITH KOALAS AND KANGAROOS. IN HINDSIGHT, ERIK SHOULD HAVE VISITED SYDNEY. AT THE VERY LEAST THEIR SHOTGLASSES WOULD HAVE THE OPERA HOUSE AND THE HARBOUR BRIDGE ON IT.) HE HAD BROUGHT THIS TIME. IT HAD BECOME A HABIT NOW THAT CHARLES HAD BEEN GONE FOR OVER A DECADE. ERIK HAD TAKEN TO TRAVELLING THE WORLD, AND THEN ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF CHARLES’ DEATH, HE WOULD VISIT BRINGING ALONG WITH HIM ALCOHOL OF SOME DESCRIPTION AND SHOTGLASSES OF PLACES THAT HE NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO VISIT WITH CHARLES.

"YES WELL… YOU DEFLECTED A BULLET INTO MY SPINE ON A CUBAN BEACH. I NEVER SAW THAT COMING AT ALL, DID WE?" CHARLES WOULD HAVE SAID, HAD HE BEEN ALIVE, ERIK IMAGINED. HE MADE A FAIR POINT, THE TRAJECTORY OF THE BULLET AND THE ANGLE WITH WHICH IT MUST HAVE HIT CHARLES AT THE BASE OF HIS SPINE CLEARLY SUGGESTED THAT CHARLES WOULD HAVE HAD HIS BACK TURNED; ERIK HAD WONDERED HOW HIS ACCURACY HAD ACTUALLY MISSED BOTH OF CHARLES’ KIDNEYS GIVEN THAT THEY HAD A BIGGER MONOPOLY ON CHARLES’ BACK.

ERIK MIGHT JUST BE GOING SENILE IN HIS OLD AGE.

"ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT. IT JUST HAPPENS TO BE HALLOWEEN THIS TIME. AND REALLY, MUST WE REDIE (NOT RELIVE, SINCE CHARLES WAS ALREADY DEAD. IT WAS ALL A MATTER OF SEMANTICS, ERIK FIGURED, SINCE CHARLES WASN’T EXACTLY ALIVE TO RELIVE ANYTHING) THE SAME SCENARIO OVER AND OVER AGAIN?" CHARLES APPEARED BEFORE HIM IN SPIRIT, STANDING AND LOOKING MOSTLY TRANSPARENT BUT STILL THERE.

OF COURSE HE WAS STANDING. THERE WERE NO LIMITATIONS NOW THAT THE SPINE WAS NOTHING BUT A MERE SUGGESTION.

"WELL WHAT ELSE ARE WE MEANT TO TALK ABOUT?" ERIK RETORTED, ONLY MANAGING TO REIN IN HIS POUT. HE ALREADY HAD TOO MANY LINES ON HIS FACE. HE DIDN’T NEED MORE.

CHARLES ROLLED HIS EYES. “WHY DON’T YOU ASK ME ABOUT THE WEATHER?”

ERIK RAISED AN EYEBROW. “WHAT’S THE WEATHER LIKE, CHARLES?”

"HOT. STEAMY WITH A PINCH OF DEAD SOULS. SATAN’S A NICE FELLOW. GAVE ME A JOB OPPORTUNITY THE OTHER DAY. I GET TO CATEGORIZE ALL THE NEW PEOPLE THAT COME IN. COMES WITH ALL THE PERKS: DENTAL, OPTICAL, DAYS OFF ON ALL PUBLIC HOLIDAYS, GET TO MEET LOTS OF NEW PEOPLE. HEY, IF YOU EVER COME JOIN ME, I’LL PUT A GOOD WORD OUT FOR YOU."


	3. ikeracity: Charles studying for 24 hours. Erik is his amused roommate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ikeracity asked: Charles has spent the last twenty-four hours straight studying for a final. When he returns to their shared apartment after his exam, Charles is more than a little loopy and does the silliest things. His roommate Erik finds it all highly amusing. [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64713133689/charles-has-spent-the-last-twenty-four-hours-straight)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY DO I HAVE A SINKING SUSPICION THAT YOU ARE ERIK AND I AM CHARLES? BUT I HAVEN’T BEEN STUDYING? SO YOU HAVE TO BE CHARLES. BUT THEN, DOES THAT MEAN I AM AMUSED AT MYSELF.

CHARLES IS FREE. NOW READ THAT IN DOBBY’S VOICE, SANS THE TEA TOWEL BESTOWMENT VIA BOOK CLUB. BUT THERE YOU GO, THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER.

NO MORE STUDYING. NO MORE MIDNIGHT STRESS CROCHETING. NO MORE FALLING ASLEEP ON TEXTBOOKS, KNOWING THAT LEARNING VIA OSMOSIS WAS AN IMPOSSIBLE THING — AND GIVEN THAT CHARLES WAS MAJORING IN THE BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES, HE OUGHT TO KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT THAT — BUT GIVING IT A GO ANYWAY, JUST IN CASE THE LAST MILLENIA OF STUDENTS HAD SOMEHOW BEEN  _DOING IT WRONG_.

ERIK, THE SMUG BASTARD, HAD BEEN PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE (THERE WAS AN IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY OF WEAPONRY IN ERIK’S WALK IN CLOSET, AND A GLASS BOTTLE COLLECTION IN CASE THEY REQUIRED MOLOTOV COCKTAILS); BAKING (ASIDE FROM THE BOOKS ABOUT THERMODYNAMICS AND PHYSICAL METALLURGY, THERE WERE ALSO MARTHA STEWART AND JAMIE OLIVER COOKBOOKS ON ERIK’S BOOKSHELF); AND OF COURSE FINALS.

SO IT WAS NO SURPRISE TO HIS ROOMMATE WHEN CHARLES BURST IN THROUGH THEIR FRONT DOOR AND THREW HIS GENETICS NOTES ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR IN CELEBRATION.

"LOOK ERIK, IT’S CHRISTMAS. I AM DONE. NO MORE EXAMS. LET US GO GET SHAMELESSLY SMASHED AND SLOSHED AND SCHNOZZLED AND SWANGLE-DANGLED." YES, YOU HEARD RIGHT.  _ **SWANGLE-DANGLED**_.

ERIK RAISED AN EYEBROW. HE HAD NEVER HEARD OF THAT LAST TERMINOLOGY, BUT JUDGING FROM WHERE CHARLES WAS HEADED WITH THAT LINE OF THOUGHT, ALCOHOL WAS LIKELY TO BE THE WORST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF IDEAS  _EVER_.

"HOW ABOUT A NAP FIRST? I DON’T THINK GETTING DRUNK IS THE BEST THING FOR YOU TO DO RIGHT NOW." ERIK ASKED, HERDING CHARLES AWAY FROM THE DOORWAY AND PLUCKING HIS BOOK BAG OFF HIS SHOULDER. "I’M CONVINCED YOU HAVE MORE LEAF WATER RUNNING THROUGH YOUR VEINS THAN BLOOD."

"YOU AREN’T THE BOSS OF ME! AND… YOU MAY BE RIGHT WITH YOUR STATEMENT, DESPITE HOW PHYSIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE THAT IS TO HAPPEN GIVE THAT WE ARE MADE UP OF 50-66% WATER, DEPENDING ON SIZE AND SHAPE AND GENDER AND-"

ERIK LEANT FORWARD AND KISSED HIM SILENT.

IT WAS A MORE THAN ACCEPTABLE TURN OF EVENTS.

CHARLES STILL WANTED TO GET DINGLE-WINGLED.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you were wondering why swangle-dangled became dingle-wingled throughout, it was because I was writing it in the teeny tiny comment box, and I forgot what I wrote. -hides face in hands from embarrassment-


	4. trobador: Don't order food online!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trobador asked: Charles & Emma, telepaths and caffeine overload! Erik is cranky when he eats too much sugar! New genetically modified cereal made Raven turn purple! [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64716503408/charles-emma-telepaths-and-caffeine-overload-erik)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN, TROB. A DISASTER.

TELEPATHS SHOULD COME WITH WARNING STICKERS: CAUTION. DO NOT FEED MORE THAN 5 SOY MACCHIATOS IN QUICK SUCCESSION. EXTREME AND DIRE EFFECTS MAY OCCUR.

SURE TEA HAD MORE CAFFEINE IN IT BY THE POUND, AND THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH CHARLES’ LIFE BLOOD, BUT IT SHOULD BE SAID THAT TELEPATHS SHOULD BE BANNED FROM STARBUCKS BECAUSE OF WHAT TRANSPIRED ON MONDAY.

IT ALL STARTED WHEN JANOS CASUALLY SAUNTERED INTO THE KITCHEN OF THE BROTHERHOOD AND OPENED THE CABINETS. THEY HAD A SYSTEM GOING FOR THEM: LABEL YOUR THINGS OTHERWISE IT WILL GET EATEN BY RAVEN, NO EXCEPTIONS. IF THERE WAS FOOD OUT IN THE OPEN, SHE WOULD BE ON IT LIKE A LIONESS ON A POOR, WEAK HERBIVORE.

HE WAS ABOUT TO OPEN THE CABINET, READY TO START THE DAY OF MALEVOLENCE ON A GOOD BALENCED DIET OF FRUIT AND FROSTY FLAKES, WHEN HE NOTICED RAVEN WAS HUNCHED OVER A BOWL, PURPLE AS MAGNETO’S SPRAYPAINTED HLEMET.

WHICH WAS VERY DIFFERENT FROM HER USUAL SHADE OF SAPPHIRE BLUE.

SHE MOANED PATHETICALLY, GOLDEN EYES TAKING A MINUTE TO FOCUS UPON HIS PERSON.

"UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. GO TELL EMMA TO GO FIND BEAST. I DON’T THINK THIS IS MEANT TO HAPPEN. I SHOULD NOT HAVE ORDERED THIS CEREAL ONLINE."

NO SHIT SHERLOCK, JANOS COULDN’T HELP THINKING AND TURNED ON HIS HEEL TO GO FIND EMMA, A TASK THAT TURNED INTO GATHERING EVERYONE FROM THE BROTHERHOOD TO SEE (READ: SNIGGER) AT RAVEN’S MISFORTUNE.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER, EMMA GOT IN TOUCH WITH CHARLES XAVIER, WITH A LOCATION (A PRETENTIOUS STARBUCKS FULL OF HIPSTERS AND COLLEGE STUDENTS) AND BLACKMAIL MATERIAL.

"I SEE ERIK HAS BEEN TREATING HAS BEEN TREATING MY SISTER WELL," CHARLES SAID, RAISING HIS EYEBROWS AS EMMA SHOWED HIM THE PHOTOS OF RAVEN SULKING ON HER iPHONE 78.

"OH, VERY MUCH SO. LOOK AT THE WAY SHE MATCHES HIS DRAPES. DID I EVER SHOW YOU THAT PICTURE?"

"OH YOU MEAN HIS CONQUERING CAPE? I HAVE TO SAY, HOW DID ERIK EVER MANAGE TO GET A NEW ATTIRE DONE SO QUICKLY?"

"AZAZEL IS A WONDERFUL SEAMSTRESS."

EMMA AND CHARLES ENDED UP CHATTING ABOUT EVERYTHING, FUELLING THEMSELVES ON CAFFEINE AS THEY TRADED MORE AND MORE STORIES ABOUT THE SCHOOL AND THE BROTHERHOOD; HYPING THEMSELVES UP WITH THE MOST RIDICULOUS OF [RABBIT VIDEOS](http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/weird-news/watch-hilarious-video-bunny-refuses-2357429#.UlvXgwWvdFE.facebook) THAT LEFT CHARLES IN STITCHES AND MOST OF NEW YORK UNPRODUCTIVE FOR A GOOD HALF AN HOUR THEREAFTER; AS CHARLES OWNED DUAL CITIZENSHIP WITH ENGLAND, HE COULD ATTEST THE VALIDITY OF THE VIDEO.

WHEN THE STARBUCKS BARISTA BEGAN TO COUGH LOUDLY AND GESTURE AT THE CLOCK, THEY FINALLY LOOKED UP FROM WHERE EMMA’S PHONE — THEY HAD MOVED ONTO WATCHING [THE WORLD’S MOST AMAZING CORGI DOING TRICKS](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7uU5nHJdUg) — AND LOOKED AROUND THEM TO REALIZE THAT THEY HAD SPENT THE ENTIRETY OF THE DAY DOING NOTHING COMPLETELY PRODUCTIVE.

"IT’S GETTING LATE," CHARLES SAID REGRETFULLY, FOR HE HAD BEEN HAVING A MOST WONDERFUL TIME WITH EMMA. "BE SURE TO LET ERIK KNOW OF MY DISPLEASURE FOR TURNING MY SISTER PURPLE, WON’T YOU?"

"OF COURSE, SUGAR."

AND THAT,  _THAT_ WAS THE PLAN. EMMA SMIRKED AS SHE WHISTLED FOR AZAZEL TO BAMF CHARLES BACK TO WESTCHESTER AND THEN THEM BACK TO THE BROTHERHOOD BASE LIKE THE CONVENIENT TAXI THAT AZAZEL WAS.

"WELL? ANY NEWS?" ERIK ASKED DEMANDINGLY. THE  _OF CHARLES_  WENT UNSPOKEN.

"YES, ERIK. TAKE OFF YOUR HELMET AND I’LL TELL YOU. YOU MISS CHARLES DON’T YOU? HIS ACCENT AND THE WAY HE LOOKS? I COULD PASS ALONG ALL OF THOSE EMOTIONS IF YOU LIKE."

THE STATEMENT SEEMED FAIR ENOUGH AND ERIK TOOK HIS HELMET OFF. HE DID MISS CHARLES.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE WAS OVERCOME BY THE NEED TO CONSUME ALL THE SUGAR IN THE KITCHEN, AS IF HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD WHY RAVEN AND EMMA KEPT AN EMERGENCY CHOCOLATE SUPPLY ON HAND.

THE  ~~MODEL~~  MORAL OF THIS STORY WAS TO NEVER ORDER FOOD ONLINE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags: It is still Monday for me because I haven't slept enough for it to be Tuesday WHAT EVEN HAPPENED I DON'T KNOW. THERE IS ALSO TIMEY WIMEY THINGS HAPPENING. IT'S SORT OF MODERN-AU POST XMFC?


	5. itsaseamonster: Nipple Fic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> itsaseamonster asked: YEAH THIS IS HAPPENING! :D CHERIK CHERIK CHERIK, I WANNA SOMETHING DEEP, WITH SECRET CONTEXT, PSYCHOLOGY, CHARLES REALIZING HE IS IN LOVE WITH ERIK, WHAT IT COULD MEAN, WHAT TO DO WITH IT OMG I FLY. (I'm on fourth coffee, writing an assaignment, 6 hrs to deadline. gotta. read. xmfc fics. procrastination. :D) be brave and have power. :D [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64718122475/yeah-this-is-happening-d-cherik-cherik-cherik-i)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH GOODNESS. FIGHT-O ITSASEAMONSTER! YOU GO WHIP THAT ASSIGNMENT GOOD. I CANNOT PROMISE I CAN PULL OF ANYTHING WITH SECRET CONTEXT, BUT I WILL TRY.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS. ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS WHERE TWO BLOKES JUST HANG OUT, HAVE A COUPLE OF  ~~BEARS~~  BEERS, PASS A FEW JOINTS. YOU KNOW, NORMAL THINGS AND SHIRTLESS AS BROS OFTEN DO.

AND THEN, AS SIMPLE LOGIC WOULD HAVE IT, AFTER ONE TOO MANY, THEY COMPARE NIPPLE SIZES AS IF IT IS THE MOST NORMAL THING IN THE WORLD. IT LEAD TO THE WEIRDEST COMPARISONS AND REFERENCES IN THE HISTORY OF REFERENCES AND COMPARISONS: IF I COULD COMPARE NIPPLES TO A SUMMERS DAY, I KNOW WHERE YOUR NIPPLES LIVED LAST SUMMER, SUMMER LOVING HAPPENED FOR NIPPLES, THE PERKS OF BEING A NIPPLE.

WHY IS SUMMER ALWAYS USED IN THIS INSTANCE? CHARLES WAGERS IT’S BECAUSE THAT IS GENERALLY THE BEST TIME FOR NIPPLES. WINTER MAKES THEM ALL PERKY AND SINCE IT’S BLOODY WINTER, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT SHIT (IF ONE SEES PERKY COLD NIPPLES DURING WINTER, ONE’S OWN NIPPLES ARE LIKELY TO BECOME PERKY AND COLD. IT WAS THE PERKY COLD NIPPLE LAW, ERIK STATED.).

BUT SUMMER TIME, SUMMER TIME IS WHEN NIPPLES CAN FLOURISH AFTER THREE MONTHS OR SO OF HIDING. NO MORE HIDING. PERKY AND PROUD. NIPPLE SUPERIOR AS THEY SAY, ERIK DECLARED, RUMMAGING AROUND AT THE END OF THE COUCH FOR TWO NEW BOTTLES OF BEER AND SILENTLY PASSING IT OVER TO CHARLES.

"YOU HAVE A POINT," CHARLES SAYS. "OR TWO. TWO PERKY POINTS."

ERIK GROANS. “THAT’S HORRIBLE.”

"NAH. I JUST REALISED YOUR NIPPLES ARE PERFECT. I THINK I MIGHT ALSO BE IN LOVE WITH YOU."

ERIK PAUSES, MID TWIST OF THE TWIST-TOP. “WHAT?”

CHARLES PAUSES TOO, STARING IN HORROR AT ERIK AS IF HE SUDDENLY REALISED ALL BRAIN TO MOUTH FILTER (AND BY EXTENSION BRAIN TO FINGERS) HAD ALL BUT  ~~BLOWN~~  FLOWN AND LEFT THE BUILDING.

"UH. HOW DO. CAN I TAKE THAT BACK?"

"NO. WHAT. WHAT ARE THESE EMOTIONS. HOW DO. I THOUGHT WE WERE BROTHERS, YOU AND I."

"WE ARE? DOES THAT MAKE THIS INCEST."

"NOT LIKE THAT, DIPSHIT. I MEANT I FEEL THE SAME WAY. I HAVE ALL THESE EMOTIONS. WHAT DO I DO WITH ALL OF THESE EMOTIONS, CHARLES?"

"LET’S  ~~FIND~~  MAKE OUT.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags: also THIS IS BASED OFF WHAT TREACLE (treasuredleisure) SAID IN CHAT JUST SHARING IT WITH THE WORLD I DON'T EVEN HAVE ALCOHOL TO BLAME THIS ON. 
> 
> And then suddenly XMFC is more hilarious when you replace things with nipple and perky.
> 
> An excerpt thanks to   
> Treasuredleisure: "I don't mean to sound like a wrinkled nipple" "Which you are." " Sometimes. But we've talked about this, Raven. A small nipple-slip is one thing. A big one does not bear thinking about."  
> velvetcadence: "Shaw's got some perky nipples. You could do with some."


	6. thedameloves: Cherik and a Balloon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thedameloves asked: <3 Ok then, here's a prompt! Have you seen this? palalife(.)tumblr(.)com/post/63996874821/sharipep-wayward-saints-nicolegendary That guy's torso reminds me of Erik. Kitty Charles is awfully curious about that balloon. [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64720252833)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SURPRISED NO ONE HAS WRITTEN A THING FOR IT YET. -WRIGGLES WRITING FINGERS, ALL TEN OF THEM- I SHALL DO FANDOM A SERVICE. FOR THOSE WONDERING, IT IS THIS PICTURE:

CATS. FUZZY WUZZY BALLS OF FLUFF THAT EITHER LOVE YOU AND THINK YOU ARE A SHIT HUNTER, OR HATE YOU, AND STILL THINK YOU ARE A SHIT HUNTER. THEY ALSO TEND TO PLOT YOUR DEMISE WHILE STARING UP AT YOU WITH ADORING BLUE EYES, BUSHY BLACK TAIL VIBRATING AS THEY WAIT FOR YOU TO PUT WHISKERS INTO THEIR FOOD BOWL, AND NOW, PLEASE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ERIK KNOWS HE PROBABLY SPOILT CHARLES ROTTEN, BUT HOW COULD HE NOT WHEN CHARLES WAS AS CUTE AS A BUTTON AND OCCASIONALLY BROUGHT HOME COCKROACHES AND RATS AND THAT ONE TIME A SQUIRREL. SURE, HE MAY HAVE HAD TO GET RID OF THEIR CORPSES, BUT HE READ ON THE INTERNET THAT THAT WAS HOW CATS SHOWED THEIR AFFECTION TO THEIR OWNERS.

HE HAD REWARDED CHARLES WITH CUDDLES AND AN EXTRA BRUSHING THAT WEEK.

ERIK DESPISED PEOPLE, BUT LOVED HIS CAT. IT WAS SIMPLY THE WAY THINGS WERE GIVEN HOW ERIK WORKED INSANE HOURS AS A LAWYER, THAT HE JUST DOESN’T HAVE THE TIME TO COMMIT TO A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP.

HE HAD PLENTY OF SEX THOUGH. UNFORTUNATELY, AS OF LATE, JUST NOT ALL THAT MUCH. SELECT WOMEN THREW THEMSELVES — METAPHORICALLY, SPIRTUALLY, AND LITERALLY — AND SELECT MEN WERE BOLD ENOUGH TO GRIND UP AGAINST HIM, THE GALL OF THEM ALL.

ERIK WASN’T HAVING ANY OF THAT THOUGH.

HE HAD HIS EYE ON THIS CUTE GENETICS PROFESSOR, HIS CLIENT, WHO WAS SOME RICH FANCYPANTS GUY LA-DI-DA GUY JUST CAUGHT UP IN A LEGAL BATTLE THAT REQUIRED SUBPOENAS AND MANY LATE NIGHTS OF CHEAP CHINESE TAKEAWAY TO PREPARE FOR THE CASE. HE WAS ALSO COINCIDENTALLY NAMED CHARLES.

ERIK HOPED HE WOULD BE ABLE TO CONVINCE CHARLES, THE MAN, TO DATE HIM AFTER HE WON THE CASE. UNFORTUNATELY, ERIK WAS AS SOCIALLY ADEPT AS A SHARK. AND SO HE CHOSE TO GET A BALLOON CUSTOM MADE FOR THE OCCASION AS A CELEBRATION. THE BALLOON SHOP OWNER HAD GIVEN HIM A DUBIOUS LOOK, SIZING HIM UP AS HE SUCKED ON A CIGAR.  ~~TANKFUL~~  THANKFULLY, HELIUM IS AN INERT GAS AND DOESN’T REACT TO FIRE (HENCE WHY THEY ARE USED IN BALLOONS, ALTHOUGH THERE HAVE BEEN CASES WHERE METHANE OR HYDROGEN HAVE BEEN USED AND THEN IT WOULD BE GOODBYE CHILDREN.)

ERIK HAD STARED BACK, AND EVENTUALLY THREW MONEY AT THE OWNER WHEN THE GUY SAID HE WOULD DO IT. HE WAS EXCITED.

ON THE DAY BEFORE HIS BIG COURT CASE, ERIK RETURNED TO PICK UP THE BALLOON. IT WOULD LIKELY LAST TILL TOMORROW. AND THEN, WHEN HE HANDED IT OVER TO CHARLES AFTER A STUNNING VICTORY IN COURT, CHARLES WOULD BE SO SWAYED BY THE LENGTHS THAT ERIK HAD GONE (TO BE AS SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE AS A VERY BACKWARDS ELF) THAT HE WOULD SAY YES AND THEN THEY WOULD DATE AND MAYBE HAVE MANLY CUDDLES.

CHARLES THE CAT, UPON DISCOVERING ERIK’S ‘DATE-ME-PLEASE-CHARLES’ BALLOON WHEN WATCHING HIS OWNER WALK WITH IT IN HAND, WAS TO STOP AND STARE. THEN TURN TAIL AND FOLLOW ERIK INTO THE BEDROOM TO STARE AT IT CURIOUSLY SOME MORE.


	7. treasuredleisure: Cherik AU of the best Rabbit Video on the Internet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> treasuredleisure asked: i want to prompt you something srs but the caps lock is making me tear up with laughter so: CHERIK AU OF THE DURACELL BUNNY RABBIT VIDEO [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64723253107/i-want-to-prompt-you-something-srs-but-the-caps-lock-is)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOR THOSE THAT STILL HAVEN’T SEEN THE VID, IT IS [HERE](http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/weird-news/watch-hilarious-video-bunny-refuses-2357429#.UlvXgwWvdFE.facebook). IT FEATURES SCOTTISH ACCENTS AND HILARITY.

IT’S JUST TWO BLOKES IN A CAR. TRAVELLING IN THE WEE HOURS OF THE EARLY MORNING ALONG A LONG AND DESERTED HIGHWAY. ERIK IS DRIVING, AS HE OFTEN DOES.

THEY ARE CHASING THE RABBIT, NOT AS IN PACIFIC RIM, BUT IN A VERY LITERAL MANNER. NOTHING THEY DO, NOT EVEN TRYING TO OVERTAKE THE LITTLE FUCKER HELPS, BECAUSE THE LITTLE SHIT HAS POGO STICKS ATTACHED TO ITS HIND LEGS AND IT’S GALLOPING DOWN THE ROAD AT TOP SPEEDS OF TWELVES, THIRTEEN MILES AN HOUR AND THEY WILL NEVER MAKE IT UP TO EDINBURGH IF THIS KEEPS UP.

"THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS."

"OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE."

"LOOK, JUST OVERTAKE THE RABBIT."

"IT’S IMPOSSIBLE, ITS STRADDLING BOTH LANES CHARLES."

"IT CAN’T DO THAT, IT’S NOT WIDE ENOUGH TO STRADDLE ANYTHING EXCEPT A BLADE OF GRASS. IT’S LITERALLY  ~~WALKING~~  HOPPING THE LINE.”

CHARLES LAUGHS, AS HE GLEEFULLY FILMS THE ENTIRE THING ON HIS PHONE.

"THIS IS HILARIOUS."

"NO IT’S NOT. LOOK, WHAT HAPPENS IF WE STOP." ERIK STOPS THE CAR AND THEY WATCH ENRAPTURED AS THE RABBIT BOUNCES SEVERAL METRES FORWARD AND ALSO STOPS, WARILY LOOKING AT THEM OUT OF THE CORNER OF ITS BEADY LITTLE LEFT EYE.

"WHY DOESN’T IT JUST BLOODY GET IN THE GRASS?"

"I DON’T KNOW. MAYBE ITS ALLERGIC."

"NAH. ITS GOT A HIDDEN AGENDA ONLY KNOWN TO ITSELF. EITHER THAT OR IT THINKS ITS A CAR."

"ARE THEIR WEE BEASTIES HIDDEN IN THE GRASS? IS THAT WHY IT ISN’T GOING IN THE GRASS?"

"MAYBE IT’LL LET US SNEAK PAST."

ERIK STEPS ON THE GAS PEDAL AGAIN AND THE CAR ROLLS FORWARD. 

"OH NO." THEY WATCH AS THE RABBIT PICKS UP PACE AGAIN.

"LOOK. JUST—"

"FINE." THE CAR LURCHES AND THEN THEY ARE ON THE RABBITS TAIL.

"ARRRRGH. NOOO. NO NO NO. DON’T RUN IT OVER."

"I’M NOT GOING TO."

"OH MY GOD. WHY IS IT IN THE LANE. WHY IS IT STILL FOLLOWING US?"

"WHY IS IT RUNNING IN A STRAIGHT LINE? IS IT CHARLIZE THERON IN PROMETHEUS?"

"ARGH DON’T COME NEAR THE CAR YOU STUPID RABBIT."

"AHHHHHHH, GET OUT OF THE WAY."

"I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. IT’S A MUTANT RABBIT. THIS IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION."

"FUCKING RABBIT."

SILENCE REIGNS FOR A TOTAL OF FIVE SECONDS BEFORE THEY BREAK OUT INTO LAUGHTER AGAIN.

THE SKY IS TURNING COLOUR: FROM NAVY TO DODGERBLUE. THE SUN IS RISING, AND THIS RABBIT HAS BEEN TERRORIZING THEM FOR, CHARLES CHECKS THE LENGTH OF THE VIDEO, OVER FIVE MINUTES NOW.

"LOOK, JUST FUCKING GO."

THE CAR REVS AND THEN THE RABBIT MIRACULOUSLY STAYS IN THE LEFT LANE, AND THEY ARE OVERTAKING IT, AND IT IS GLORIOUS. AND CHARLES WATCHES FROM HIS WINDOW AS THE RABBIT LAGS BEHIND.

"I WONDER IF WE SHOULD HAVE RECRUITED IT…"


	8. cakeis: Cherik in IKEA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cakeis asked: cherik in ikea [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64728900599/cherik-in-ikea)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI CAKEY. THE MEATBALLS AT IKEA ARE REALLY GOOD. I ALSO REALLY LIKE THEIR GINGER SNAPS.

"WHY ARE WE AT IKEA?" ERIK ASKS, RAISING AN EYEBROW. CHARLES HAS HIS WRIST CAPTIVE, IT ISN’T LIKE HE CAN ESCAPE EVEN IF HE WANTED TO. BUT AN EXPLANATION WOULD BE NICE.

"BECAUSE OF REASONS. AND ALSO ONE DOLLAR MEATBALLS. YOU LOVE MEATBALLS." ERIK DOES, BUT HE GETS THE IDEA THAT IT WASN’T PRECISELY THE REASON THAT THEY WERE THERE.

ERIK SIGHS. IT IS UNLIKELY THAT CHARLES IS GOING TO LET HIM WAIT FOR HIM OUTSIDE, OR WALK BACK TO THE CAR. AND FROM THE WAY CHARLES IS BOUNCING ON HIS FEET, HE HAS SOMETHING TO SHOW HIM.

"OKAY. FINE. LET’S GO."

CHARLES BEAMS AND RELINQUISHES THE DEATH GRIP HOLD HE HAS ON ERIK’S WRIST AND, INSTEAD, INTERTWINES THEIR FINGERS AND LEADS THE WAY INSIDE THE STORE.

ERIK LONGS TO SIT IN THE IKEA FOOD COURT, WHERE THE ONE DOLLAR MEATBALLS WERE AWAITING. CHARLES IS DOGGEDLY DETERMINED AND HE DRAGS ERIK PAST THE BEDROOMS FILLED WITH FUN BUNK BEDS AND GOOD IDEAS, PAST THE KITCHENS WITH THEIR NIFTY TARDIS SPACE SAVING WAYS, AND PAST THE LIVING ROOMS WHERE FAKE TELEVISIONS AND KEYBOARDS.

CHARLES LEADS HIM TO THE DRESSER AND CUPBOARDS SECTION FILLED WITH TALL BOOKSHELVES AND WARDROBES AND—

ERIK SIGHS. THE STATE OF CHARLES’ BOOKSHELVES IS DEPLORABLE, GIVEN THAT THE FLOOR OF THEIR SHARED FLAT HAS NOW BECOME TOTEMS AND PILLARS OF BOOKS EVERYWHERE. FRANKLY, CHARLES’ BOOKS HAVE BECOME AN HOUSEHOLD HEALTH AND SAFETY HAZARD AND ERIK IS  _TIRED_  OF FINDING BOOKS IN THE FRIDGE.

"HAVE YOU RUN OUT OF SPACE  _AGAIN_?”

CHARLES HUFFS AND ROLLS HIS EYES.

"NO— YES— NO. MAYBE? BUT WE"RE NOT HERE BECAUSE OF SHELFING ISSUES." THEY ARE. "LOOK."

ERIK FOLLOWS THE LINE OF CHARLES’ FINGER AND PAUSES.

HE THEN SWEARS, SCOWLING WHEN CHARLES BREAKS OUT INTO PEALS OF LAUGHTER.

"DAMMIT, CHARLES! IS THIS WHY YOU WERE GIGGLING TO YOURSELF WHEN THE NEW IKEA CATALOGUE CAME OUT?"

"YES. CLEARLY I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE. NOW. DO YOU FANCY YOURSELF AS [THREE DRAWERS](http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/00104333/) OR [TWO DRAWERS](http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/40102841/)?”

ERIK GLARE IS HARD ENOUGH THAT IT CAN CUT  _DIAMONDS_.

"HOW ABOUT THE [FILE CABINET](http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/40112915/) SO I CAN BASH YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT?” THE THREAT IS EMPTY, OF COURSE.

"SUCH EXPENSIVE TASTES, MY FRIEND. I GUESS WE COULD GO WITH THE FILE CABINET, SO THAT WHEN YOU THROW ME  _AGAINST_  IT, I’LL BE CAUGHT BETWEEN TWO ERIKS.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags: I HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS ERIK AS AN IKEA FURNITURE JOKE FOR YEARS


	9. significantowl: Erik takes care of a coughing Charles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> significantowl asked: Charles can't stop coughing. Erik is determined to remedy this by ANY MEANS NECESSARY. [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64733192915/charles-cant-stop-coughing-erik-is-determined-to)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU GET BETTER SOON, OWLIE. -GENTLY PETS- I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD EXPLAIN THE 10 OTHER CAPSLOCK FICS I’VE WRITTEN THAT’LL POP UP ON YOUR DASH SOON ENOUGH. THIS POST SHOULD SUFFICE.
> 
> [NOTE: SORRY I DELETED THIS ON MY PHONE WITHOUT MEANING TO. IT IS NOW UPLOADED AND IN ITS RIGHTFUL POSITION.]

CHARLES HAS BEEN COUGHING NON-STOP SINCE THE DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS, OR SO HE KEEPS MOANING. HE HAS BARELY SLEPT FOR MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR BEFORE HE ROLLS OVER AND HACKS UP HIS LUNG.

HE HATES THIS.

HE HATES THIS WITH THE PASSION AND FIRE OF SOMETHING PASSIONATE-Y AND FIERY. NOW CHARLES THINKS HE WANTS PASSION FRUIT BUT OF COURSE THAT WILL LIKELY TICKLE HIS THROAT THE WRONG WAY AND THEN HIS COUGH WILL SOMEHOW COMPLAIN TO ITS MOTHER AND THEN THE COUGHING MOTHERSHIP WILL DESCEND UPON HIM, AND CHARLES IS CONVINCED DEATH IS A BETTER WAY TO GO. SWIFT AND MERCILESS.

"CAN’T A T-REX—" COUGH. "— COME AND DEVOUR—" COUGH COUGH WHEEZE. "— MY BODY."

ERIK LOOKS ON WITH PITY, COOING SOFTLY AS HE PASSES OVER THE TWELFTH MUG OF LEMSIP HE’S MADE TODAY. CHARLES TAKES IT, SIPPING THE NECTAR OF THE GODS AND SIGHS. AT LEAST HE DOESN’T HAVE A RUNNY NOSE OR A FEVER. THEN IT WOULD BE THE TRIFECTA OF DEATH AND NOBODY WINS. NOBODY.

"I AM DYING, ERIK.  _ **DYING**_.”

"YES WE ARE," ERIK NODS SAGELY, BECAUSE THE STATEMENT IS IN FACT TRUE. HE HATES SEEING CHARLES SUFFER, BUT APART FROM FETCHING EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN — THE HUMIDIFIER, LEMSIP, STREPSILS, COUGH SYRUP IN THREE VARYING STRENGTHS AND FLAVOURS, HONEY AND LEMON RELATED GOODS — HE WAS SORT OF AT A LOSS TO WHAT ELSE HE COULD DO TO HELP EASE CHARLES’ SUFFERING.

"BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE GOING TO LET THIS COUGH GET THE BETTER OF YOU."

"I— WHAT?"

"THAT’S RIGHT. WE’RE GONNA STEAM IT OUT OF YOU. I’LL EVEN JOIN YOU." BEING NAKED IN A WARM BATH WITH CHARLES IS NOT A DIFFICULT THING, DESPITE ERIK HAVING TO CONTROL HIMSELF FROM HIS USUAL URGES OF HAVING A WET AND NAKED CHARLES IN HIS LAP WHEN THEY TOOK BATHS TOGETHER. THE THINGS HE DOES FOR LOVE.

CHARLES SEEMED DUBIOUS AT FIRST, BUT NODDED SLOWLY AFTER COUGHING INTO HIS HAND. “ALRIGHT. LET’S DO THIS. HOLD MY CUP.”

"KICK YOUR COUGH’S ASS. I GOT YO CUP. AND IF THAT DOESN’T WORK, I AM GOING TO FIND THE RIGHT CONCOCTION OF LEAVES AND GRASS AND ANIMAL SHELLS. I WILL DO SCIENCE FOR YOU, CHARLES."

THAT, AT LEAST, BROUGHT A SMILE TO CHARLES’ FACE BEFORE HE BEGAN COUGHING ONCE MORE.


	10. significantowl: Erik takes care of a coughing Charles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> significantowl asked: Charles can't stop coughing. Erik is determined to remedy this by ANY MEANS NECESSARY. [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64733192915/charles-cant-stop-coughing-erik-is-determined-to)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU GET BETTER SOON, OWLIE. -GENTLY PETS- I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD EXPLAIN THE 10 OTHER CAPSLOCK FICS I’VE WRITTEN THAT’LL POP UP ON YOUR DASH SOON ENOUGH. [THIS POST](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64708787423/okay-i-am-running-on-exhaustion-sugar-cereal-a) SHOULD SUFFICE.

CHARLES HAS BEEN COUGHING NON-STOP SINCE THE DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS, OR SO HE KEEPS MOANING. HE HAS BARELY SLEPT FOR MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR BEFORE HE ROLLS OVER AND HACKS UP HIS LUNG.

HE HATES THIS.

HE HATES THIS WITH THE PASSION AND FIRE OF SOMETHING PASSIONATE-Y AND FIERY. NOW CHARLES THINKS HE WANTS PASSION FRUIT BUT OF COURSE THAT WILL LIKELY TICKLE HIS THROAT THE WRONG WAY AND THEN HIS COUGH WILL SOMEHOW COMPLAIN TO ITS MOTHER AND THEN THE COUGHING MOTHERSHIP WILL DESCEND UPON HIM, AND CHARLES IS CONVINCED DEATH IS A BETTER WAY TO GO. SWIFT AND MERCILESS.

"CAN’T A T-REX—" COUGH. "— COME AND DEVOUR—" COUGH COUGH WHEEZE. "— MY BODY?"

ERIK LOOKS ON WITH PITY, COOING SOFTLY AS HE PASSES OVER THE TWELFTH MUG OF LEMSIP HE’S MADE TODAY. CHARLES TAKES IT, SIPPING THE NECTAR OF THE GODS AND SIGHS. AT LEAST HE DOESN’T HAVE A RUNNY NOSE OR A FEVER. THEN IT WOULD BE THE TRIFECTA OF DEATH AND NOBODY WINS. NOBODY.

"I AM DYING, ERIK.  _ **DYING**_.”

"YES WE ARE," ERIK NODS SAGELY, BECAUSE THE STATEMENT IS IN FACT TRUE. HE HATES SEEING CHARLES SUFFER, BUT APART FROM FETCHING EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN — THE HUMIDIFIER, LEMSIP, STREPSILS, COUGH SYRUP IN THREE VARYING STRENGTHS AND FLAVOURS, HONEY AND LEMON RELATED GOODS — HE WAS SORT OF AT A LOSS TO WHAT ELSE HE COULD DO TO HELP EASE CHARLES’ SUFFERING.

"BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE GOING TO LET THIS COUGH GET THE BETTER OF YOU."

"I— WHAT?"

"THAT’S RIGHT. WE’RE GONNA STEAM IT OUT OF YOU. I’LL EVEN JOIN YOU." BEING NAKED IN A WARM BATH WITH CHARLES IS NOT A DIFFICULT THING, DESPITE ERIK HAVING TO CONTROL HIMSELF FROM HIS USUAL URGES OF HAVING A WET AND NAKED CHARLES IN HIS LAP WHEN THEY TOOK BATHS TOGETHER. THE THINGS HE DOES FOR LOVE.

CHARLES SEEMED DUBIOUS AT FIRST, BUT NODDED SLOWLY AFTER COUGHING INTO HIS HAND. “ALRIGHT. LET’S DO THIS. HOLD MY CUP.”

"KICK YOUR COUGH’S ASS. I GOT YO CUP. AND IF THAT DOESN’T WORK, I AM GOING TO FIND THE RIGHT CONCOCTION OF LEAVES AND GRASS AND ANIMAL SHELLS. I WILL DO SCIENCE FOR YOU, CHARLES."

THAT, AT LEAST, BROUGHT A SMILE TO CHARLES’ FACE BEFORE HE BEGAN COUGHING ONCE MORE.


	11. rozf: Brandon/Johnny, iPhone vs Android

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rozf asked: iPhone vs Android, and why not Brandon and Johnny. [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64748332227/iphone-vs-android-and-why-not-brandon-and-johnny)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW BRANDON AND JOHNNY ARE LIKE SRS, BUT GIVEN MY CAPSLOCK STREAK OF CRAY AND CRACK, IT MAKES SENSE FOR THEM TO NOT BE SO SRS. SO HAVE THEM BEING SILLY <3

"YOU SHOULD SWITCH TO AN ANDROID," BRANDON SAYS ONE DAY AS JOHNNY IS PLINKING PLONKING AWAY AT THE GRAND PIANO.

JOHNNY ROLLS HIS EYES.

JOHNNY IS A STAUNCH APPLE FAN. HE OWNS THE WHOLE SHEBANG, HAD PROMPTLY LOST MOST OF THE SHEBANG DURING THE GREAT GAMBLING FIASCO PRE-BRANDON, BUT HAD THEN BE SPOILT ROTTEN POST-BRANDON FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THEIR FIVE YEAR RELATIONSHIP.

BRANDON HAD BEEN QUITE HAPPY TO LEAVE JOHNNY ALONE WITH HIS iPAD AND HIS iWHATEVER.

BUT THEN.

BRANDON HAD BOUGHT THE NEW SAMSUNG NOTE 19 AND HAD BEEN OVER THE MOON WITH THE FEATURES AND EVERYTHING. AND WAS GENTLY NUDGING JOHNNY INTO GETTING ONE FOR HIMSELF TOO.

JOHNNY HAD RESISTED THOUGH. HIS iPHONE 12X WAS WORKING PERFECTLY FINE. SIRI HAD IMPROVED LEAPS AND BOUNDS, ALTHOUGH SHE WAS STILL A SNIDE CONDESCENDING LITTLE THING. KIND OF LIKE NAVI FROM THE ZELDA GAMES, ONLY SIRI WAS MORE LIABLE TO BE HELFPUL, DESPITE HOW OFTEN SIRI EMULATED BEING A FOREIGNER FROM A NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING BACKGROUND WITH HOW OFTEN SHE REQUIRED JOHNNY TO CLARIFY HIS QUESTIONS.

BESIDES, ALL OF HIS MUSIC FILES WERE ON HIS MAC AND HE REALLY DIDN’T NEED AN ANDROID.

"DO YOU REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF WHEN APPLE RELEASED THEIR APPLE MAPS? THAT WAS HILARIOUS, AND ALSO COMPLETELY UNSAFE."

"YOU CAN’T EXPECT FIRST RELEASES TO WORK PERFECTLY, BRANDON. YOU HAVE TO LET THE DEVELOPERS HAVE SOMETHING TO UPDATE, RIGHT?"

BRANDON MADE A NOISE THAT SOUNDED LIKE RESIGNED AGREEMENT. “BUT THERE ARE SO MANY MORE CUSTOMIZEABLE THINGS ON AN ANDROID. AND, GET THIS,  _WIDGETS_.”

JOHNNY SCOWLED. YES, THE WIDGETS THING WAS RATHER COOL. BUT HE WAS STILL VERY HAPPY WITH WHAT HE HAD RIGHT NOW. IF IT WAS A FIGHT THAT BRANDON WANTED, THEN HE WAS GOING TO BRING THE FLAMETHROWER. NO ONE SAID HE HAD TO FIGHT FAIRLY.

"YEAH, WELL. iTUNES."

"GOOGLE WALLET."

"WE HAVE THE PASSBOOK. WE HAVE RETINA, FACE AND FINGERPRINT SECURITY."

"YEAH, BUT WE HAVE SWYPE, A NON-FAULTY ANTENNAE AND BETTER VIDEO SUPPORT."

JOHNNY WINCED. THAT WAS A LOW BLOW. "THAT WAS HARSH," JOHNNY SAID. IT MADE BRANDON SMIRK SMUGLY. "BUT YOU FORGET. WE HAVE THE GREAT OS UPDATES, iOS 19 RUNS GREAT."

"IF APPLE CONTINUES ADDING ANOTHER ROW OF ICONS FOR THE NEXT PHONE, YOU’LL END UP WITH A REALLY EXPENSIVE METRE RULER."

"YEAH. PROBABLY." JOHNNY SHRUGGED AND THEN PICKED UP HIS PHONE, CHOOSING INSTEAD TO SNUGGLE UP AGAINST BRANDON’S SIDE WHERE HIS BOYFRIEND HAD MONOPOLISED THE ENTIRETY OF THE COUCH FOR HIS WORK.

"LET’S JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE.  I CHALLENGE YOU TO ANOTHER ROUND OF CANDY CRUSH."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags: I AM ON THE SIDE OF THE ANDROID aka DAVID 8 HAHAHAH I MADE A JOKE GET IT BECAUSE BRANDON HAS AN ANDROID BUT HE'S ALSO-- OF COURSE YOU GOT IT. THIS IS SOME STRANGE FUTURE WHERE THEY HAVE REALLY STRANGE FUTURISTIC PHONES THAT I JUST MADE UP


	12. imasyon: Cherik, Corgi, Pool Noodles.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> imasyon asked: WELL. I SAID I WOULDN'T BUT THEN AGAIN, I CHANGE MY MIND A LOT. AS I'M GOING OFF TO SHOWERLANDIA, HAVE OUR BOYS IN THEIR SHOWERLANDIA. KUDOS IF THEY'RE USING POOL NOODLES. THERE MAY OR MAY NOT BE CORGIS AROUND SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE DERPING INTO SHOWERLANDIA.GO, TWINNY, GO. [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64752974271/well-i-said-i-wouldnt-but-then-again-i-change-my)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH. OH NOES TWINNY. WELL. THIS WAS THE STORY BETWEEN ME, IKE AND SYN. IT IS NOW PSEUDO-IMMORTALIZED IN FIC FORM. NO REGRETS. IN WHICH I DISPLAY MY KNOWLEDGE ABOUT MATERIALS THROUGH ERIK.

IT ALL STARTED AS SOME HARMLESS FUN REALLY.  SOME WISE CRACK AT POOL NOODLES BEING USED AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR ERIK’S COCK HAD THEN TURNED INTO A LENGTH HOUR DISCUSSION ABOUT THE MERITS OF USING A CYLINDRICAL POLYETHYLENE FOAM AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR A DILDO. AFTER ALL, WHAT WOULD BE THE APPROPRIATE TYPE OF LUBRICATION TO USE FOR SUCH DEVICE SUCH AS THE NOBLE POOL NOODLE.

CHARLES HAD ROLLED HIS EYES, HUFFING WITH ANNOYANCE AT HOW FAR THE CONVERSATION HAD GONE ON IN THE FIRST PLACE. HE HAD MEANT IT AS A JOKE THE FIRST TIME HE PRETENDED THE FLOPPY FOAM APPENDAGE WAS HELD IN BETWEEN HIS LEGS; HE HAD BEEN PRETENDING HE WAS ERIK AT THE TIME GIVEN JUST HOW WELL ENDOWED ERIK IS.

THEY HAD THE WEEKEND ALL TO THEMSELVES, AND IT WAS THE PERFECT WEATHER FOR A DIP IN THE POOL. CORGLES AND CORGNETO WERE MORE THAN HAPPY TO ENJOY A CORGI-PADDLING IN THE WATER, ALTHOUGH CORGNETO DID LOOK RATHER PUT OUT THAT HE HAD TO ABANDON  **THE CORGNETO CAPE**  (TM) BEHIND WHERE IT WOULDN’T GET WET.

BUT THEN, CURIOUS MINDS HAD LEAD TO THIS:

"BUT IF WE CONSIDER THE FOAM’S ABILITY TO CONTRACT PRIOR TO EXPANSION," ERIK SAID MATTER-OF-FACTLY, AS THEY LAZED ABOUT THE SIDE OF THE POOL. THE BRIGHT BLUE POOL NOODLE WAS IN ERIK’S HAND AS HE TRIED TO MOULD IT TO DEMONSTRATE HIS POINT. "IT IS LIKELY THAT IT COULD PENETRATE A PERSON. HOWEVER IT IS HARDLY GOING TO BE A VERY PLEASURABLE ACTIVITY. THIS IS WHY SILICONE HERE IS SUPERIOR."

"I HAD MEANT IT AS A JOKE, ERIK." CHARLES SIGHED EXASPERATEDLY, PICKING UP A SOGY TENNIS BALL AS IT FLOATED BY AND THREW IT FOR CORGLES TO CHASE.

ERIK CONTINUED, HAVING APPARENTLY NOT HEARD CHARLES. “AND POLYETHYLENE FOAM IS MUCH DIFFERENT FROM THAT OF THE SPONGE. NOW SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING, SPONGES ARE VERY SIMPLE ANIMALS, NOT AT ALL LIKE PLANTS. THEY ARE KNOWN AS THE—”

CHARLES EYED THE WAY CORGNETO WAS BARKING LOUDLY AT A LEAF FOR TOUCHING CORGLES. THE SILLY DERP. “PORIFERA. YES I KNOW. CAN WE STOP DISCUSSING—”

"—YES, VERY GOOD. SINCE THE SPONGE ITSELF DOES NOT HAVE ANY ORGANS — TISSUES ARE REQUIRED TO FORM ORGANS, BUT THE SPONGE IS A VERY SIMPLE CREATURE MADE UP OF CELLS —"

"I AM NOT GOING TO BE SHOVING SPONGES IN PLACES THAT DON’T SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. WHY WOULD I WANT A SPONGE, OR A POOL NOODLE FOR THAT MATTER, WHEN I HAVE A VERY SERVICEABLE HUMAN AT MY DISPOSAL. YOUR PLEASURE IS MY PLEASURE. TWO BIRDS, ONE STONE. MI CASA, SU CASA."

ERIK PAUSED. “I’M NOT SURE THAT’S HOW—”

CHARLES STOPPED ERIK TALKING BY RUNNING HIS HAND OVER ERIK’S CHEEK, MAKING GENTLE SHUSHING NOISES.

"SHH. I THINK WE’VE SPENT ENOUGH TIME IN THE POOL." CHARLES CONVENIENTLY IGNORED THE FACT THAT NEITHER ERIK NOR HIMSELF HAD DONE MUCH EXCEPT DIP THEIR FEET IN AGAINST THE SIDE, AND MAKE OUT LIKE HORNY TEENAGERS BETWEEN ERIK’S PASSIONATE SPEECH ABOUT SPONGES.

"IT IS TIME WE HEAD TO SHOWERLANDIA. OUR KINGDOM IS CALLING."

"OH?" ERIK SMIRKED. "WE HAVE HARDLY MADE IT INTO THE POOL, CHARLES. OR IS IT ME THAT’S MAKING YOU WET?"

"OH ERIK, YOU HAVE  _ **NO IDEA**_  HOW WET YOU MAKE ME.”

"MAKE AN ASSESSMENT. SURELY WE CAN FIND AN APPROPRIATE SCALE FOR THIS; BETWEEN SAHARA DESERT AND THE PACIFIC OCEAN, WHERE DO I RANK?"

CHARLES LEANED CLOSE THAT THEIR LIPS TOUCHED. “YOU RANK AS TWO PACIFIC OCEANS.”

AND THEN KISSED ERIK.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags: I DON'T I CAN'T WHAT IS HAPPENING? ERIK IS A SPONGE SPECIALIST OR SOMETHING ALSO BAD PICKUP LINES EVERYWHERE. AGAIN.


	13. synekdokee: Erik vs Tumblr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> synekdokee asked: Erik's been up all night and he still refuses to go to bed. First it was the presentation, now somebody is wrong on the internet. Charles despairs. [[x](http://kageillusionz.tumblr.com/post/64872585258/eriks-been-up-all-night-and-he-still-refuses-to-go-to)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHAHAHA. PRESENTATIONS AND NOW THE INTERNET. CHARLES IS LONG SUFFERING BEST FRIEND AND HUSBANDO. HE ONLY WANTED TO TRIM HIS BONSAI PLANTS. DAMMIT, ERIK!

"NO. NOOO!"

CHARLES SIGHED, RUBBING THE BRIDGE OF HIS NOSE AND SET DOWN THE TRIMMING SCISSORS HE HAD BEEN HOLDING. IT LOOKED LIKE HE’LL HAVE TO TEND HIS BONSAI PLANTS AT A LATER DATE.

"CHARLES!"

OF COURSE, HIS HUSBAND HAD BEEN UP FOR APPROXIMATELY TWENTY HOURS AND COUNTING TO FINISH HIS PRESENTATION (IT HAD GONE WELL, ERIK HAD MADE CERTAIN OF IT BY GLARING DOWN ANYONE THAT SO MUCH HAD CHALLENGED) SO IT WAS PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE THAT ERIK WAS FEELING A LITTLE… LOOPY.

"CHARLES, COULD YOU COME HERE? THERE IS A THING I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW YOU."

CHARLES SIGHED AND PUT DOWN THE SCISSORS, WIPING HIS FINGERS CLEAN WITH A TOWEL AFTER WASHING THEM. HIS HUSBAND WAS BEING MELODRAMATIC AGAIN, NO DOUBT SOMETHING OR ANOTHER ON THE INTERNET HAD MADE HIS IRE FILL UP BEYOND SALVATION THAT IT WOULD REQUIRE CUDDLES AND A SOOTHING BRITISH ACCENT TO MAKE EVERYTHING FEEL NICE AGAIN. 

HE MADE HIS WAY ON HIS OWN TIME TO ERIK’S STUDY. LAST TIME ERIK HAD BEEN THAT ANGRY, IT HAD BEEN OVER KITTEN VIDEOS. AND THAT WAS BECAUSE HE FELT DECIDEDLY LESS MANLY BECAUSE OF THE CUTE FUZZY WUZZY BABIES WITH THEIR ICE-CREAM CONE TAILS AND WHY DIDN’T THEY HAVE MUNCHKIN KITTENS, CHARLES. 

"WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?" CHARLES ASKED CALMLY, WONDERING IF HE OUGHT TO HAVE BROUGHT CAMMOMILE TEA WITH HIM DESPITE ERIK BEING A COFFEE DRINKER.

ERIK GESTURED TOWARDS HIS LAPTOP AND MADE A SOUND THAT SOUNDED LIKE A CHINCHILLA BEING PLACED IN A CHOKEHOLD. CHARLES ROLLED HIS EYES AND WENT TO STAND NEXT TO HIS HUSBAND, RAISING AN EYEBROW AT WHAT HE HAD THOUGHT WAS HIS HUSBAND BEING PRODUCTIVE BUT IT WAS IN ACTUAL FACT ERIK ON TUMBLR.

“[THIS POST](http://reasonswhylarrystylinsonisreal.tumblr.com/post/22345529322/reasons-why-larry-stylinson-is-real-masterpost). LOOK AT IT.”

CHARLES READ OVER ERIK’S SHOULDER, RAISING AN EYEBROW AND QUESTIONING EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ERIK FOLLOWED ON TUMBLR ANYWAY.

"… REASONS WHY LARRY STYLINSON IS REAL… A MASTERPOST. ERIK, WHAT ON EARTH…? WHY…?"

ERIK IGNORED HIM, AND HE KEPT TALKING, WAVING HIS HANDS TO ENCOMPASS HIS LAPTOP SCREEN. “AND THEN I CLICKED ON THE LINK ON ANOTHER POST. AND THEN LOOKED AT THE PICTURE AND IS THIS NOT THE MOST LUXURIOUS CARPET YOU HAVE EVER SEEN? I MUST HAVE IT, CHARLES. I SIMPLY MUST.”

CHARLES, NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME, WONDERED WHY HIS HUSBAND WAS INTO INTERIOR DECORATING AND MAKING EVERYTHING MAGENTA AND MAROON.


End file.
